


Nightmares

by saintvic



Category: Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-07
Updated: 2010-07-07
Packaged: 2017-10-10 10:36:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/98810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintvic/pseuds/saintvic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam's thoughts and feelings after the events on series 1 episode 4 specifically relating to Joni.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares

With a sharp indrawn breath Sam woke startled, shaken and tormented by his interrupted sleep. As always in those first hazy moments he hoped the images in his mind would remain out of focus, another troubled dream slipping away but, no, not tonight.

Tonight the outline of a still body and a pale, drawn face came forcefully into view. The youthful form of Joni lying there, life drained undeniably out of her.

What stayed in focus longer than everything else were the compelling eyes, swimming with a fearful acceptance. They followed him during the day filling his subconscious. And at night they continued to occupy his mind preventing even his usual fitful sleep.

And once more those unforgettable eyes had caused him to wake in a sweat. The nightmare pounding through every nerve in his body. Even putting Warren, the man responsible for her death, away hadn't stopped him seeing Joni in his nightmares.

After those first fretful moments Sam always moved onto analysing what had happened. He couldn't help himself, he needed to try and banish the memory of her eyes. He ekpt on wondering, trying to work out his reactioncs, and what could cause him to continue dwelling on these moments. As if by understanding the causes then he would have some control over his own mind.

But it was unclear what tormented him as it could be so many things. The reel of events that kept playing over and over in his mind. She had used him, abused him, manipulated him. But it transpired that this had happened to her as well. There were so many conflicting memories and emotions surrounding those days and nights.

The night she spent with him was a narcotic under water memory. One reeking of disgust, anger, humiliation and regret. Hallucinogenic in memory but real in feeling. In fact it was the conversation and silences, real, potential and imagined that cried out and imprinted themselves indelibly into his skin and soul.

Of course, the realisation that the whole time he spent with her had been a honey trap had been mortifying. Sam felt continual anger with himself for his own lack of realisation. Anger at having been duped so completely. His mind would continually, and with great ease, replay the conversation with the Guv over and over. Having him explain the realities of the situation made him feel naïve and foolish. And he also felt, inexplicably, like he had let the DCI down by not seeing through it.

He also dwelt on the quiet drive out to the canal that night. A trip he would always recall as being full of a confused but ominous dread. Once they had arrived his vision had been filled by her body. Shock, realisation, recrimination, and anger given an outlet by Carling, swam through him then and in his memory.

Then, inevitably, Sam tried to imagine what had happened to her. Did she cry out at the end, did she swear or plead until that last moment of inevitability. Or was there nothing, just a gasping draw of breath or a choked off sob until it was ended. All Sam could envisage was her last moments full of pain and fear.

These fevered imaginings conflicted with the pleasure memory of the first time they met. The music pounding through his mind and pulsing through his body. Breathing in the smoke of the club, the alcohol providing a pleasant haze, and a beautiful woman dancing with him. In those moments the reality of Warren and the confusion of his life didn't matter. The music and the moment were all.

Sam could also recall, now tinged with the veneer of guilt and shame, the sense of vindication he had felt when Joni asked him for help. After all, deep down, he knew he was better than this, than this place, and she played right into that. That had been another source of pleasure, a justification for the thoughts that fluttered continuously beneath the surface and that occasionally blazed their way into public. Usually in a shouting match with the Guv. No one could provoke such a strong reaction as his DCI when it came to provoking Sam's outrage with the time, place and policing methods.

Sitting uneasily beside that was the fact that he had also been happy when he had gone to confront Joni at the club and had inadvertently witnessed the Guv standing up to Warren. For him.

The sense of belonging that he felt at that moment was unusual. It was the notion of team and protection. He had someone to back him up. He hadn't had that for a long time especially once he made DCI. He was supposed to look out for others. He had been the one in charge and at times he felt totally separate to his surroundings and the people populating them. So this new, unlooked for, moment warmed Sam unexpectedly.

And then Joni had appeared at the Railway Arms saying she was leaving and was going to try for a new life away from the degradation of the old one. And, even though his anger and humiliation hadn't faded, a thrill of triumph had thrummed through him. He had done that, had achieved something and it was something worthwhile. Alongside the more selfish benefits of the incriminating photos being destroyed she would have a chance at a new life, coloured by her past maybe, but fresh and clean and away.

Of course all this had led to something positive. Not only had they arrested Warren but Sam had a new understanding of DCI Hunt. He knew a bit about what drove him now and they had worked together to get a major piece of scum out of the way. But none of that mattered to Joni, she was still gone and that could not be changed.

And that he always reasoned was what caused his nightmares to continue. Because deep down Sam felt he should have been able to prevent what happened to her. He felt responsible for her life being wasted and that feeling was going to take time to dissipate.

She didn't get the happy ending, didn't ride off into the sunset and find a new life to settle in, because she was simply gone. This always caused Sam to feel a chill in his bones because real or imagined the memory of her face gazing expressionlessly at him wasn't going away anytime soon.

So Sam would do what every policeman did. Whether they existed in 1973 when the closest to counselling was Nelson's sympathetic gaze when pouring him a pint or Annie wanting to be his friend. Or in 2006 when there were "support" services for all situations.

All any policeman ever really did was get on with the job, keep catching the villains and wait for the faces to fade. The images would periodically be replaced by others and they would always be there influencing his future choices. But eventually they would fade. Hopefully then these nightmares would end so Sam could embrace the familiar ones waiting to reappear.


End file.
